Sei la vita e la morte
by Tatou27
Summary: Takes place during Wilson,season 6. "I feel a hand running down my face and wipes out the thin line of blood on the corner of my mouth. It's cold, you may as well as say..lifeless. - Open your eyes. And look at me.."
1. Dream or reality?

**Hello everyone! I just wish to introduce myself and this fiction. This is my first fanfiction, and is about House M.D and of course it focuses on House, as he is a really complex character. It's a short story with a few chapters. I hope that you will join me on this journey and let me know about your thoughts. Have a nice reading..**

**Disclaimer: I -unfortunately- do not own the characters.**

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Sei la vita e la morte

The sky was dull and grey after morning showers and the hospital today was particularly quiet. My name is Gregory House, Dr. House for you. I'm the biggest bastard the world has known. I'm Dr. House..or at least that's what I think.

The sky is red,it seems like it's bleeding. The sun hide behind the dark clouds, frightened, after that moment.. Thunder and lightning, the sound of heavy rain echoes in the silence. Earth is shivering because of an ancient fear – or is it my head?- the one of losing someone.

I have my eyes tightly shut. The blinds on my office are also closed, as well as the door or my heart. Yes, my heart is also closed.

- _No, you liar!_

My leg screamed from a sharp pain.

- _No, it's not! For the first time in your miserable life is open. That's why is hurts so much, that's why your leg hurts so much. Why do you think you are suffering right now? Why am I hurting like hell?_

That voice.. so full of anger and hurt, it sounds so much like him..

- Leave me alone. You are only a voice in my head, leave me alone.

- _I'm not just a voice in your head and you know it. I am real. The pain is real. Your pain, feel it._

- Ah! my mind yelled.

A kick on my leg.

- _Feel this!_

A shot right through my chest.

- _And this!_

Oh.. I caught my breath. Time froze. Nothing moves, nothing sounds.

A stab on my heart..

My light blue shirt slowly becomes red. I rest my hand on my chest, I feel the warm blood. Very slowly I open my eyes. Yeah, I'm bleeding.

- _I believed in you.._

The voice cracked with emotion. It is slow and quiet now. It keeps coming nearer and nearer until I hear it coming next to my ear.

- _I believed that you would change, that you would be happy again. I really believed that you would have tried. I tried everything._

The voice is now trembling.

- _In the end I failed, didn't I? But neither did you helped me. But while you were in Mayfield something changed, you changed. And I was happy. You were trying to find your way, you were trying to change. You were trying.._

Then a long pause. With much effort I can keep my eyes barely open. I manage to finally whisper.

- Now it's all over.

- _Why?_

- Because he... you... are...

I feel a hand running down my face and wipes out the blood the thin line of blood on the corner of my mouth. It's cold, you may as well as say.. lifeless.

- _Open your eyes. And look at me.._

I comply.

No... no.. it cannot be...

There, in front of me, stands Wilson. Tears running down his face, his hands are covered in blood. He kneels beside me. The color is drained from his face, the distant look on his eyes. They are looking at me without emotion, they mirror mine.

You are dead..

_Yes._

Bam! A loud thunder ripped the sky and my already broken soul. For a moment it illuminated his face.

_Don't tear me down.._

And then silence.


	2. Do you dare?

**Hello again. So, this is the second part and I hope that you'll find it interesting enough to give a review.**  
**Let's see where this story is heading.. Thank you all for reading.**

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House is breathing fast, his chest rises and falls on a very quick pace. In the darkness of the room he lets his emotions take control. A mix of anger and hurt is boiling inside him. His head hurts, his leg hurts, his heart is wounded and he is alone.. You wouldn't be if your soul was broken? His mind -or his proud- doesn't let him express his inner feelings. Till now..

- Two times.. it was two times that I opened my heart.

House started in a low voice.

- The first one was a hallucination and the second one.. a rejection.

He states in a bitter tone, then continues with anger.

- Yes, you heard me Wilson, a rejection! I told you that I needed you, because if you died I would be alone. And what did you do? You went to help that son of a bitch.! And you left me..

He finally lets everything get out.

- I was there with you during that surgery.. I watched you die in front of my eyes. I was looking at you, knowing that you wouldn't wake up again, and that..

His voice cracked with emotion

- I.. I would be alone. Now I am alone. You are gone, and I am lost.

- I hate you Wilson!! I hate you!..

House let the tears run down his face. He close his eyes and rests his head on the wall behind him. He has done yelling but is more frustrated than ever. His best friend failed him. Or is it that he failed Wilson? No. no. He is the one who left.. Just like everyone else..

- _You mean that you pushed them away.._

All of a sudden a female voice echoes in the room. House's eyes shot open and lifts his head to see who the other person is.

- _Ha ha ha.. Is he gone? It was about time.._

- Who are you?

- _Forget me already?_

A lamp on my office light up and revealed...

- Amber..

- _To be honest, I didn't expect that kind of reaction. What? No welcome party? Ok, it's nice to see you too._

He couldn't believe his eyes. No, that was not true.. It must have been a dream.. Yeah a really bad dream.. It is impossible that I'm hallucinating... again.

- What the..

- _Hell am I doing here? Isn't that obvious? I'm here to help you._

Amber said with a mischievous grin that could make your blood froze.

- _Hell missed you. Care to join us?_

- Get out! Get out of my mind! You are not real!

- _Says who?_

I looked her right in the eyes not being able to give her an answer. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that I.. yes.. I.. didn't believe that was real. But something inside me stopped me from doing so. The truth is that I wasn't sure, not anymore. I wasn't sure for anything, not even what was on my own mind.

- _I thought so._ - Amber said with an evil smile- _You're doubting yourself, that's good. So, my boyfriend died, it's not that bad. I heard that Heaven is good.. hahaha.._

- You, cutthroat bitch!

- _Oh, shut up! I'm getting tired of this. Now, stand up._

- I can't. For the record I'm injured, your "boyfriend" took care of that.

- _No, you are not._

- Yes, I am. What the hell are you talking about? Don't you see that I am covered in..blood.

But no. My hands are clean, my shirt the same. There are no wounds or a bullet or a knife. I am losing my mind..

House sat there, confused, not being able to explain what was going on. Amber on the other side had a distant look on her eyes. She seemed lost in a world of her own. And when she spoke again her voice was low and soft.

- _I knew this would happen one day. That his kindness would kill him. But.. I thought that would be because of you._

- He abandoned me. He chose that arrogant, selfish jerk who was..

- _Now who's selfish? _- Amber challenged-

- You tell me. - House shot back-

- _You wanted him for yourself. You craved the undivided attention he gave you. Admit it or not you loved it when he was worried about you and was trying to make you happy. But you were playing the "hard" type of guy. You enjoyed screwing with him. And when I came on the picture you felt threatened._

- You tried to keep him away from me, how I was supposed to feel?

- _I was trying to get him have at last a life!_

- Oh..oh.. don't you dare try to be on top of this, and don't believe for a second that I forgot because you are dead.

- _Neither did I._ -Amber said not missing a beat- _But I don't care cause you are more miserable than me.- and imagine that I am dead- More miserable than anyone would ever be. And dare I say, I enjoy this!_

- You...

- _Ah! You're not in a position to threaten me, I'm in charge here. But... _- Amber gave House an evil smile- _if you are a good boy and behave.. I'm willing to make you an offer._

House stayed silent, eager to know more.

- _A game._

- What kind of game?

House answered -if we shall say- intrigued. It seems that his curiosity and attraction to puzzles never fades. Amber smirked. She knows that. She also knows that she won that round.

- _A game between truth and lies, between reality and fantasy, sanity and madness. _

- she paused-

- _A game of life and death._


	3. Let the game begin

**Wow, I have to say that luck of reviews is killing me.. That means that my story is not good, right? At least, I have one reader for sure and she is the only that I am continue this.**  
**To this chapter now. Words in Italics are House's thoughts.-At first of course words in italics are Amber's- Enjoy your reading.**

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House seemed to think about it. Could it be a game that he couldn't win?

-Why do you think I am going to "play"?

_-Because you are curious, and you never back off of a challenge. If you agree you'll win your freedom, your sanity, the truth. And shall you play well... answers._

-What are the rules?

_-You have to accept the challenge first._

House then smirked, he was really intrigued. He was ready to play.

-And If I don't?

_-Then you automatically lose. Come on._ - Amber urged- _You have nothing to lose._

Yes, -House thought- only my life.

-Deal!

_-Okay, now close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you so._

-Do you think that I'm going to trust you?

_-You can't, but you have to play. Now close your eyes._

After shooting her a look that could kill House closed his eyes and immediately darkness fell all around him. It gave him the little time he needed to mentally check on himself. He was in pain, not so much physically, mostly psychologically. His world was upside down. He felt really tired, ready to collapse with the slightest touch.

Not able to see tried to forget that he was in the middle of his office with the ex-dead-girlfriend of his now dead best friend. He decided to concentrate on the sound of the rain hitting the window and started to imagine the world outside.

_The sky filled with grey clouds. The wind blowing and making the branches of the trees dancing on it's rhythm. People running, some of them frantically, to cover themselves -probably thinking that they were going to melt like sugar- The curtain of rain would continue to remain shut, not letting us see the bright day behind._

The rain becomes stronger.

_Water is running everywhere, from the roofs down to the pavements until it fills the holes on the road. A young boy escaped his mother's grip and jumped into a hole full of water. He laughs his heart out while his mother is shouting from behind trying to protect herself under an umbrella and at the same time keeping her balance on the slippery ground._ -House smirked on that thought- _Next to them a young couple is passing by, holding each other's hand under the protection of a red umbrella. Soon the people outside are becoming fewer and fewer as the water continues to fall._

House then prayed. He asked for a favor; that the rain wash away all the pain, the tears, the unspoken words and leave him naked in the middle of an empty road. He seeked redemption of all his sins, the mistakes he had made. He seeked the courage that was missing from him.

He imagined himself trying to find his reflection in a mirror made of water. His bright blue eyes looking to find the same ones on the other side; to find something that was still missing. _Forgiveness._

_But in order to be forgiven you have to confess that you are sorry and before that you have to recognize your mistake and admit it._ - a voice told him-

Suddenly, the clear water of the mirror became dirtier and dirtier till he couldn't find himself looking at him anymore. He exhaled deeply. _A thick fog flooded the city and seemed that time froze. Everything finally surrendered to oblivion. And it was quiet._

After a few more moments Amber finally spoke.

_-Open your eyes._

House did as she told him and discovered that they weren't in his office anymore. I must be dreaming, he told himself. They were standing a few meters away from a playground -or shall we say- what was left from what was used to be a playground.

Amber approached one of the swings. It creaked when she sat and started swinging peacefully, her feet not leaving the ground.

_-Why don't you sit next to me?_

House hadn't yet made a single move. He just stood there absently watching his environment while his mind was racing to find the answers to yet unknown questions.

-Is it all a dream? Or am I dead and don't know about it?

House asked. He hesitated at first but then took his place on a swing next to Amber.

_-I cannot answer that. You have to find your answers on your own._

After a long pause she said.

_-Are you ready to begin?_

House in the meantime had started to swing higher and higher causing the structure to tremble. He seemed like he wanted to touch the sky.

-You didn't tell me. What are we going to do?

_-There is no "we", only you. It is your journey. Let's say that you are going on a little trip._

-When do "I" start? House ironically asked.

Amber laughed quietly..

_-Now._

All of a sudden the chains of the swing broke and House fell with his face on the ground. But it wasn't the muddy ground he was waited for; it was a wooden floor. With surprise written on his face he lifts his head up and discovers that he is in a very familiar house. His house.

In front of him stands his young self at around the age of ten. Young Gregory House is sitting on the floor of the living room playing with a puzzle. The puzzle has more than 2000 pieces and it was about a white horse running free on a valley. The look on his face was priceless as happiness had overwhelmed the young boy because in a few moments he would finish it.

The doorbell then rang and the voice of his father echoed in the house as he returned home from work.

_I remember that day.. _

-Dad I almost finished my puzzle. You want to see it?

But John House wasn't in the mood and he didn't approve of his son's activities.

-What the hell is that? Didn't I tell you to stop? - his father started yelling- When will you start acting like a real boy?

And with that he kicked the unfinished puzzle. Pieces were scattered everywhere and the white horse was sent in the four corners of the room.

-No!! That was my puzzle, I hadn't finished it! You destroyed it. -young Greg was so frustrated and ready to cry- I hate you!

-What did you say?

John House made a move forwards ready to hit his son. His face was red because of the anger and he had already lifted his hand.

-Don't you dare.... Adult House attacked his father in order to stop him from hurting his younger self. But he couldn't touch him, his fist went through him. _What am I?_ House wondered. _A ghost?_

Young Greg had in the meantime managed to escape without been hit and was running upstairs.

-Don't you dare leave you son of a bitch. Come back here, I'm your father.

John House screamed and decided to follow his son.

Adult House then noticed his mother watching them from a half open door in the kitchen.

-Mom, do something! Don't let him hitting me... again.

But his mother didn't listen to him. With a distant look on her eyes she slowly closed the door and returned to her kitchen. One more time she chose not to interfere.. One more time she chose not to defend her only child.

House didn't stay long bothering with his mother and run up to his room to find young Greg bleeding from the corner of his mouth, curled like a ball, with his back on the wall. And above him was his "father" ready to hit him again.

-You are not my son. I have had enough of you. -with that said he slapped his son's face- When will you start acting like a normal person? I'm sick of you and your acts.

The next moment he grabs his son's guitar and crush it on the wall.

-Music, puzzles, reading.. What do you think are you?

-Different! I am not you. Young Greg answered bravely and received another hit from his father.

-Well, let me inform you that you are nothing. Nothing special. Do you hear me? You are nothing and will be. You will done nothing good with your life. You will always fail and you will always be miserable. And that's because you are broken.

And he continued hitting him hard.

Adult House was left speechless. It seemed that his legs were rooted to that spot. With much effort he turned around, exited the room and close the door behind him. But the only thing that he couldn't silence was the only thing that he didn't want to hear again in his life. The cries of a young boy and the sound of the blows he received from his father. It hurt just as much like his father was beating him right now.- and on his bad leg- He closed his eyes and with his back on the door let himself collapse.

….........................................................

After a few moments passed he tried to get up and felt his head spinning. He opened his eyes and looked around. He was in the hospital. And as he was standing there in the middle of the hallway a fuming Cuddy was coming towards him yelling. Her beautiful face had something different this time, so full of anger and..sadness. She had let a few tears escape her grey blue eyes. _Wait a moment_, he thought. _I know this face, this time.._

-This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image. I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me.. no! That is zero tolerance! So, congratulations House. I am angry.

-I was wondering if we should move in together..

House's lips formed the word before he realised what he was saying... _No..... Why did I say that?_

-Ha. ha. ha. Cuddy not believing a word laughed.

_No,_ House thought. _No, Cuddy.. hit me, just hit me. I was a total jerk. But please don't say that.._

-You're fired.

And with that she went away, with new tears forming in her eyes.

_Why?!_ His mind screamed. _Why am I living this again if not to change anything?... _He got no answer, He knew what was going on next. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't want to. _Pain, only more pain. That's what I will get. But I have no other choice.. _So he took the familiar road to her office only to revive again some of the worst moments of his entire life. For the second time..

With every step becoming heavier and heavier and a heart of stone he managed to get in front of her door. His heart was beating so fast that you would think it would explode. _Here we go again,_ he thought. And he opened the door...

He found her sitting on the couch, her face hidden behind her dark hair. She was crying, he could tell, and it hurt him to death just to know that he was the cause of it. Everything was as he remembered them. No, he didn't want to continue this as the last time. He wanted to truly apologise and try to explain.

-Whatever it is, just say it quickly. He heard her say.

And he tried helplessly to stop the words before they would come out of his mouth. It was like he was a stranger to his own body. He couldn't control himself, his body and mind were acting like the last time. The only thing that had changed is that he could feel their impact twice.. twice the pain, the madness, the failure.. _I want to change this..now._

But instead he said.

-Do you have more than one lipstick in the same shade? Maybe one that has a sealing agent and one that doesn't?

-How could that possibly be relevant to anything?

-You really don't think you're just.. overreacting to the other night?

-Fine. I am overreacting. You said plenty of lousy things to me before. But.. reaching the final straw has been a good thing because it made me realise we not only don't have a personal relationship, we never could.

His heart ached as he was hearing her saying those words.. We never could... have.. a relationship... _That's the time.. I really screwed things up Cuddy?_

-You.. you're.. you've been overreacting to something I said?

-You insulted me. I walked out. It's nothing that hasn't happened a hundred times before.

He started to remember _again_ with every detail what happened. And again and again.. It hurt him but neither he could change the facts, nor his words.

-No, no, that's.. that's not what happened. I told you that I needed you. You.. you helped me.

-Are you okay?

No, he wasn't okay. Not even close. He put his hand inside his pocket to retrieve something. Even that moment, even though he knew that all this was -maybe- a dream, he couldn't help but wish that something would change. That what he was holding was her lipstick.. He opened his hand. _Of course not._

…......

He had dropped the little plastic bottle and took a few steps back. He wanted to curl like a ball in this corner and be hidden from the rest of the world..from her. It wasn't the surprise of realising that nothing was real, that all had been a hallucination. It was the pain of discovering that things wouldn't change.. That he was going to be alone again. That this was some kind of punishment, because he dared to hope to be happy.. He was now doomed to love and not been loved in return..

-So this is the story you made up about who you are. It's a nice one. - a familiar female voice whispered on his ear-

_-Why am I living this again? What's the point?_

-You'll have to suffer.

_-Why?_

-So as to make the choice..

_-I don't want to play your stupid game anymore. I don't give a crap about the choice you said. I want to change this!_

-If you really wanted to change this.. then you would have done it. But you remained silent instead and let everything progress as the last time.

House then defeated closed his eyes. He remembered the night. How he was alone, taking his pills all the time without noticing, lying alone on the floor.. without Cuddy. Their kiss wasn't real, she wasn't real.

He felt her hand stroking his face. He reopened his eyes daring to look her and managed to whisper.

-No, I'm not okay.

That was the moment of choice Amber was talking about? He didn't know. But here, for the third time, he didn't try to change. He abandoned himself to the idea of everything to be a dream so there was no point in trying to alter it. _Am I a coward? Or a non believer? Either way, even if it's not true.. I should have tried. Maybe..maybe she was right. Maybe I don't want to change.._


	4. When the world crashes around you

_It was a rainy day as all the days have been this last week. I couldn't see much though. I was locked in my room and wasn't allowed to go anywhere else for the time being. Now the word "room" may be delusional because it was a space 3x3, with only one small window, a single bed and an almost always locked door. The walls were grey very much reminding me of prison. I was lying on my bed totally wet because of the sweat. Pain was almost unbearable, I couldn't even sleep. I couldn't do anything, apart from lying there, asking for help, for that little white pill, my narcotic. Yes, welcome back to Mayfield._

_She could be right, maybe I don't want to change. Change... that word will be haunting me for the rest of my life. All these years it's the only thing everybody's asking from me. That's who I am now. Either take it or give it back. They keep saying that the surgery to my leg changed me, that I am a different person since then. They could be right, but what if the person who I am now, have always been? That this procedure enabled my true self come to life? That I have always been this cranky, miserable doctor who the only thing that wants is to belong somewhere and be happy._

_Oh!_ His leg hurt him so he turned to his left side now facing the wall. _Of course I would never admit that loud. I'm also having hard time admitting that to myself. That I only want to be accepted -or damn me, but also be... be loved too- for who I am. And now I'm here again. Why had I been here in the first place? Oh, yes. To "change". I had been delusional, I couldn't separate dream from reality, I lived my life as I wanted it to be, and for one moment I dared to hope that I would be happy again. Then I lost my mind, my sanity which were the only things that had been left of me. Okay, maybe I overreacted with the vicodin, but where were my "friends"? Where was she when I was alone and in pain? She should have seen the signs, she should have noticed. Am I been irrational again? She's not my nanny, she's not my mother, I'm not her responsibility -only at work-. But why I wanted her so badly to see this? I wanted her to be my savior, maybe all this was a subconscious final act to get her attention.._

_After the night we kissed, I went to her place to ask her out. I had raised my hand to knock but then I saw her and froze. She was sitting on the couch, reading a book and drinking -tea probably- from a light green cup. She was so beautiful. That moment I thought I didn't deserve her, not yet at least. I thought I had to change and be more like the man she needs... and she would love. She wanted to be a mother and surely I didn't fit in her plans. I couldn't be someone else and live with her the american dream. A big happy family, a big house with a white fence and a dog. I wasn't even willing to try; that means that I didn't love her?_

_Love. It had been an empty word for me, but then I could see she is the only person that could make me find its meaning. But circumstances changed and she adopted a child. She has a baby.._ He stated this bitterly and with sarcasm said: She's a mother. And laughed. _Oh, I'm pathetic. I fear of that little creature. She deserves her, she would be a great mother and have the family I can't provide her. At least I tried to show her that I care very much about her. I've also given her her old desk. And what did she do? Nothing. Not even a "thank you, House". But what did I expect? That she would jump in my arms and forget about everything else?_

_Yes, I hoped for that. But she didn't seem to notice. Maybe she wanted to show that she didn't care. Then why had she "camped" in my office? What made her change her mind? Or maybe she wanted to tell me that the past is past and nothing can change. Change... here's that word again. Everything is about changing. So here I am, to Mayfield. The place where I finally detoxicated and found a part of myself. I went back trying to be a little bit different, with no vicodin._

_I realised that I didn't need them, not to solve cases at least -even though they had become a part of myself-. I dare say I became more human. And what did I get back in return? Disbelief, indifference.. They didn't believe that I managed to change or that I was trying to, to be a better person. They didn't treat me the same. It was worse._

_She lied to me, she had a new boyfriend -Lucas- and told him everything that happened between us, all about the hallucination, every personal detail. She tricked me, she acted like she doesn't recognise me anymore. Like I am a stranger. After all these years... She cracked me, she smashed me, she didn't trust me.. I changed not only for me but for her too. I dared to hope that she will forgive me, trust me.. love me. But no...no... Although she was the one who wanted this_ _change, __she didn't accept me. No... no... She turned me down._

House's body starts trembling and he tried to hold back a single tear that rolled down his cheek. _Why?_ And with his right fist he hit the wall. Pain released and made him hide his face on the pillow so as not to scream.. because of the pain, the anger.. not to scream her name.

_But this time... this time will be different.. Because I won't change._

…...

Days passed quickly and was showing everyone around that he was a different person. Someone that didn't belong there and could soon be released. His doctors were amazed by his progress, thinking he had been taking his medication – the same male nurse was giving them to him every morning with a face that said: I don't want to be here, I don't care, I hope you die- and was always quiet.

One day he saw Lydia with her car bringing a cello with her. He immediately recognised the day and thought of Freedom Master. He believed that this was necessary to happen in order his release to be progressed. He knew how this was going to end, that superboy was going to get hurt. But decided for once to let the events flow as his wound would make Lydia's sister in law talk again. Afterwards she would be released and then was his turn. So after taking the car from Lydia he and Freedom Master headed together to funfair. After they finished their ride -everything was going exactly like last time- they went to pick up the car.

House went to the car and saw "Clark Kent" approaching the edge of the balcony. He saw him absently looking around him.

_Maybe I shouldn't let him do it_

Freedom Master was slowly opening his arms like he was surrendering to the world beside him.

_No, I can't. I'll stop him._

He tried to take a step forwards.

Let him do it.

A woman's voice interfered his thoughts; Amber.

I wasn't thinking clearly, he should stop.

Why do you care? He'll jump, but he will be fine. You remembered how it went the last time. And then he will give that girl her voice back.

Yes, but... he started thinking about it.

In the meantime he saw superboy leaning his head back.

_Why am I having second thoughts?_

Freedom Master closed his eyes.

_Wasn't that my plan from the beginning?_

A smile formed on our hero's face.

_He's smiling, he believes it._

Steven then said "Thank you Greg".

No! House screamed.

Stay. Amber whispered.

And suddenly his body froze. His mind was screaming to go and catch him, but his body didn't comply. For some reason Amber's word was keeping him behind. His eyes were glued to Steven's angelic face. He was so innocent and happy that moment because he believed..

Like in a slow motion House saw Steven's whole body bend and white wings slowly growing on his back. It was like watching the transformation of a cocoon into a butterfly, like witnessing the birth of an angel. The wings spread wide open under the flaming sun. And then it happened. His feet left the ground, his body standing still like floating in the air. It lasted less than a moment. During that time, earth stood still. He was flying...

But this fragile dream finally broke. With his head down, he was coming closer to the ground, closer to the core of the earth. His wings couldn't stop the fall and so they wrapped around him, trying to protect this precious soul; not the body. In the blink of an eye he was gone. Freedom Master was for once in his life free, but then trapped again between nature's laws and flesh restrictions.

House knew how this would end. This time he could tell that something was different. He approached the edge of the balcony and looked down. There he was; a hero with broken wings. He was critically injured -House knew that- and he could see the already blood covered street. But something wasn't right. All this blood... was coming from the back of his head. His eyes are open but they can't see; not anymore.

No.. House whispered. He turned towards Amber.

Why is it different now? Why he seems to be... You told me it would be like the last time.

I guess I was wrong. Amber said with a devish smile and then vanished in front of his eyes.

Leaving House alone, with a young child sleeping the eternal sleep.

…...

He was sitting in the hallway outside Steven's room while keeping on his hands his bloody t-shirt. Nolan soon approached him.

Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly, with this guy, you decided to reinforce a dead man's delusions. You just wanted to take a swing at me, hmm? You don't care about getting out. You didn't care about him. You don't even care about the truth. You don't care about anything House.

And now look at the cost of it. The death of an innocent young man. A man who needed help. You just wanted to accomplish your own egotistical purposes. Well, let me inform you something. It's not everything about you House. The world doesn't revolve around you. Look what your actions just caused. You killed him House. His presence will haunt you for the rest of your life. His eyes will be watching your every step. His voice will be echoing in your mind and his sight will be filling your dreams.

No.. House all this time stood there barely acknowledging his surroundings. No, he said aloud this time. I didn't mean to..

You're a killer.

No! House yelled. You don't understand! She told me he would be fine. It supposed to be like the last time. He wasn't supposed to.. to die. It would be like the last time.

House's eyes were red, his voice was trembling and his hands were shaking. Soon his whole body started shaking violently.

What are you talking about? Who's she?

Nolan was angry and confused and when he looked straight on House's eyes he felt a hint of fear.

There she is...

House looked somewhere beside Nolan.

She's there, leaning on the wall, she's smiling.

Nolan turned but couldn't see anyone.

You're insane.

No... House screamed. She's there. Can't you see her? She's there. She told me everything was going to be okay, that everything was going to be like last time.

He finally stared at Nolan.

You don't believe me? He tried to catch Nolan. You don't believe me? She's there! You have to believe me. She's there!

He had grabbed Nolan's arms and was shaking him.

Security! Nolan managed to free himself from House's grip and took a few steps away. Lock him now!

House was now out of control. He was trying desperately to escape. She's there! Turn around and see her, she's smiling. House was yelling at the top of his lungs, as he was being carried away. She's there!

…...

Dr. Nolan obviously shaking sat behind his desk on his office. The door then opened and revealed a female doctor.

We searched Dr. House's room and we found these.

And she showed Nolan a few white pills. They were vicodin.

His nurse confessed that he was the one giving them to him, as Dr. House had promised to pay him a great deal of money. But after today's events he got scared.

Dr. Nolan sighed and rubbed his forehead remaining silent.

…...

House was in isolation. A tiny room with white walls and no windows. He was sitting on the floor wearing a straitjacket. He had cried. He leaned his head down to his chest and screamed.

No!...

That scream echoed in the empty room. It broke the silence and it was like breaking a vow. A vow made between heaven and hell to leave him alone for the time being. A vow that was made silently by all the human beings, nature and all the non-living things. A vow of silence and deep grief.

Today is the day the world lost another member. And he was a good one. He wasn't a lost soul because he mattered to someone. Someone will miss him, someone will cry for him and one won't be able to live without him. And that one today, was Gregory House.

No.. With much pain he let the word escape his lips. He was tired, so tired that he wasn't even able to open his eyes. His body numb and his heart was aching. Time goes fast, so slowly.. He tried to -to do what- remember? His father, Cuddy, Freedom Master, Amber.. Wilson. What was going on? It was all a game. A real one? So he still is...

No, he muttered, Wilson.

One more time he tried to wake up. He managed to crack open his eyes, just for a little bit, only to recognise that was in his office back in Princeton. He took notice of a dump light and a female presence. But he wasn't sure, everything was mostly a blur. Soon he drifted back to sleep. A sleep with no dreams..

After some hours -which seemed like centuries to him- he woke up. The blinds were still closed, but he could tell that a new day had come. He felt it in the air, on his surroundings. Slowly and -as far as he could- steadily he reached the door to his balcony and got out in the fresh air.

It was quite chilly outside and wet too, as the sun hadn't risen yet. With so much dark outside he couldn't even see beyond his own hand. _It is better this way, nobody needs to see me in this mess._ He was still vulnerable and confused after his dream, but most of all scared because he himself felt fear. Frightened by his own feelings. He couldn't tell if everything was real or not, he was afraid he was losing his mind again and now he wouldn't have neither Wilson nor Cuddy to help him. He didn't want to go back to Mayfield, because this time he would stay there forever. Locked in a room, helpless, unable to feel and live.

_He felt like he was drowning in a dark sea and sinking in the most deep abyss while the red sky above him was ready to punish him if he ever escaped. And now with open arms, a tired and useless mind, but with a closed heart he was coming slowly towards the bottom. He didn't feel like he was supposed to,he didn't struggle for air, he was just floating.. Underwater._

_-House, he heard a voice calling his name._

With a deep breath he opened his eyes. He was holding on tight at the edge of the balcony, like he was ready to jump. A shy razor of light illuminated his face as miles in front of him the flaming sun rose to his throne. _Whoever said it, was right. The darkest time of the night is before sunrise. For one more time I let myself to the mercy of my dreams and my -cripple now- mind._ And with those thoughts he went back inside his office.

Welcome back.

Leave me alone. Either you're another dream or a hallucination I don't care.

You are afraid, Amber said knowingly.

Maybe, House shot back, but I guess since you are a product of my imagination, you know better.

I can see that. You are so confused I could give you a little explanation. What you experienced earlier was a dream.

Tell me something I don't already know, House said angrily.

But this is a hallucination.

I still don't care, you'll have to try harder. And with that said he started walking towards the door.

It's time for the final stage of the game. You can still win it.

How do you... House stopped dead on his tracks. He remained in that spot silently for a few seconds. Finally without turning back he answered. Never mind, I won't play.

You can't, Amber said with a grin, because you are already playing. You accepted the challenge which means that you accepted the rules as well. And guess what, one of them is that you can't escape.. and she burst into an evil laughter.

House didn't make the slightest move.

Revenge is sweet, Amber said.

After a few minutes she approached his desk.

Come here. Your final challenge is waiting. And with that said she puts a gun on the desk.

House was dumbfounded. He was looking at the gun with a hint of terror in his -cold now- baby blue eyes.

What am I supposed to do with this? Kill myself?

Don't tell me you have never thought about this before? But of course you were a coward. You didn't have the guts to do it yourself and waited for someone or something else to do your dirty little job. You didn't want to be judged, others to consider you weak. You don't want them to pity you, but guess what. Your actions lead them to that. And they pity you not because you are a cripple, but because of what you've become. They pity you because you don't live.

House didn't say anything. His eyes were glued to the gun, so Amber continued.

And now, for once in your pathetic life you have to finish what you have started and face the consequences. You and only you. This is the choice that will define your life. You have to choose between life and death. And this has to be done now. The possible choices are right here, but.. you don't know which one is life and which one is death.

He didn't utter a single word. The distant look on his face indicated that his mind was traveling miles away. _She's right you know. You need to take matters into your own hands. What's keeping you here? Wilson is dead, Cuddy seems to have forgotten you. She has moved on and living her life. So, what's keeping you here? Who cares about you here?_

Yes, what's keeping me here? He whispered. He looked up at Amber.

Either end it or live it.

These were her only words. He gave his attention back to the center of his desk. His hand brushed slightly the gun. It was so cold.. So that would be the end of Gregory House, a brilliant doctor who solved puzzles -and thus saving lives- and a jackass. _How can I be so different? What if.. what if I changed? I still have time. What if I hadn't had that accident with my leg? What if she loved me? What if Wilson hadn't died? What if.. what if.._

And that is the puzzle the great Gregory House couldn't solve. The one of his own existence.

He grabbed the gun.

_And he was floating underwater. Still heading towards the bottom which was still unseen. It was dark. Someone had called his name._

He was approaching the gun to his head. He looked Amber straight in the eyes. They were blank although he thought that for a moment they lit up in excitement.

_Do I have to turn now? It's impossible that someone is down here with me. I am hearing voices again._

He put the gun to his temple. One finger on the trigger. The metal was cold in comparison to his burning flesh. I feel death's cold hand sweeping my hot sweat.

_Suddenly, I'm feeling so tired. And quite sleepy too. My eyes are closing, I can't keep them open. It starts getting cold in here. I'm shivering.. And with that he curls up in a fetal position. He started drifting on to sleep.._

_Don't fall asleep! Wake up._

_He felt a hand turning him._

_What the …_

_This is the time. It's only me. At the edge of the world I'm standing. And looking all of you. You'll never know me, and I'll never know you. Somewhere out there, is my love. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you, for the one that is to come. I promise you. This is the last time._

_I close my eyes._

_-Wilson!_

Bang!


	5. Admissions

…...

_An invisible but strong force is pulling me down. I don't fight it, I'm not supposed to fight this._ So he abandoned himself to the world. Let the ocean guide him to where he was meant to be. If he knew that death would be so painless, quick and relaxing.. he would have done that a thousand times. It didn't feel like dying, it felt like rebirth.

Slowly, quietly his body was twirling around itself in water -or air?- he couldn't know. Silence everywhere except a low beat. _"thump, thump.. thump, thump"_. He seemed he was asleep, but _he_ knew better. He looked totally worn out though, like he aged ten years during the last hours. _He_ saw his lips moving but no words were uttered. With one more try an incoherent sound like a "get lost" was heard._ He_ chuckled.

Don't try to fool me, I know that you are in there -although not completely,_ he_ thought-.

Leave me alone Wilson, he snarled, I think I told you to get lost.

Oh, that. I didn't heard you I guess. Wilson hid a small smile. So, where are we going?

We are not going anywhere, I am going- alone. He said, with his eyes still closed.

Are you sure you don't want some company? I happen to know this place better than you. He then noticed the mark of a gunshot on House's temple. Come here to find me?, he asked.

House remained silent for a few moments, then almost in a whisper he answered.

No, I was trying to get away.

Fair enough. Wilson thought for a while. He was losing him, he had to bring him back. Before that, follow me, I want to show you something. And with that, he turned around towards a closed door.

House reluctantly followed him. The low beat accompanied them, becoming lower with every minute passing by. _"thump, thump..thump"._

He felt the cold metal against his skin, the gun in his right hand, his fingers wrapped around the trigger. He had fired it, but the gun wasn't pointing to his temple he changed his mind the last minute. The gun was now pointing the blue carpet, but there was no bullet. He let the gun slip from his trembling hand to the floor.

Oops! I must have forgotten to load it, Amber said ironically. But why waste a bullet since you were too coward to do it?

So, do you think you made the right choice? What do you think you chose? A male voice echoed from the far corner of his office. Soon the man approached him.

You don't know? House shook his head 'no', eyes never leaving the floor. The man took his hand and rested an object inside his palm. This is what you chose.

House lifted his eyes and met Kutner's ones. He flinched.

You remember him, don't you? Of course, he's one of your unresolved puzzles. Do you recall what he did? Amber said and laughed sardonically.

Of course he remembers. Kutner answered. Don't you want to see what you chose House? And with that he stepped back, leaving him wonder.

House didn't dare to open his palm, couldn't yet face what would be waiting for him down the road. Still he was yet shocked and felt more vulnerable than he had his whole life. Even back then on the infraction he felt stronger, maybe because he had some control over his life cause now it seemed that he was like a puppet.

Slowly, painfully he opened his palm. His eyes were on Amber; she couldn't hide her excitement, her eyes were sparkling and his eyes were on Kutner; he looked almost disappointed and sad. House then diverted his eyes down to his own hand and pure fear and disgust took over him. _"NO"_ his mind screamed, _"NO"_ his eyes screamed, his whole body was trembling in protest, only his lips couldn't phrase his current emotions.

In his hand there was the familiar orange bottle full with Vicodin pills.

It seems you made the wrong choice, Kutner simply said.

House then took a few steps back and started to walk frantically towards the door, he unlocked it and headed down the hall, not looking back just wanting to escape from this insanity. He opened a door on his right and collapsed. He was in the men's room.

Are we there yet, Papa Smurf? House asked impatiently.

Not yet Smurfette. Wilson laughed mentally, glad that even now House resembled a little to his old self. He had to give him something, something to hold on cause he could see that his friend was fading away. So, why you are leaving us?

You left us first, remember?

Umm, slightly.. Wilson smiled and then turned to be more serious. Why you are giving up?

Why not? House answered angrily. It's not that someone waits for me anyway.

I'm pretty sure that is not true, there is..

Do not dare finish that sentence, you know yourself that..

She is just.. and he stopped, trying to find the right words. He was mad himself at Cuddy for hurting his friend, but deep inside he knew that her love for him hadn't died. At least he hoped so, cause he needed to save his friend. She is pretty much lost herself, added at last.

House growled, ready to answer when a distant melody interrupted his thoughts. He turned towards Wilson who was standing in front of another door -strangely enough he had't noticed it previously-. He opened the door and immediatelly the music became louder.

Welcome to the place of tormented souls, Wilson said.

Slowly House got into the room and found himself in the middle of a carnival party, or that was his first impression since all of the participants wore costumes. He couldn't see their faces cause they wore masks. Pretty much it reminded him of that night at the dance in the conference he attended with Wilson. _Wilson!_ But he was nowhere to be found. Soon the mass carried him away. He tried to find a quiet corner and after a while he came across a carousel.

It wasn't working, its lights were off, but there was a woman sitting on one of the horses. The only thing he could see was her back. She had dark hair and was wearing a blue princess dress. I guess all women's dream is to be a princess- _or at least be treated like one,_ he thought. He came closer and noticed that the woman was crying. He thought of leaving her alone, but something didn't let him go away. Her hair hid her face, but she wasn't wearing a mask. She must have heard him approaching, cause she lifted her head and looked him in the eyes.

_Cuddy!_ He caught his breath. _What is she doing here?_ He wondered. Cuddy? She didn't react to his voice, she diverted her eyes from him to the empty space in front of her and started weeping again. He tried to touch her but his hand passed through her skin. _So, what am I, a ghost?_ He was getting more and more angrier. The look of her being hurt was enough for him to forget anything else. Cuddy, look at me! Cuddy! No answer.

She started murmuring something, incoherent sounds between her cries. "Why... can't tell... I am... weak. I... why can't..."

- Lisa, House said.

She focused her eyes on him, only for a brief moment, then returned to her weeping. _"I was... stupid... after... all these years..."_ He couldn't afford to see her like this, so he turned his back at her and got ready to leave. _"I.. need.. him... Greg.."_ He stopped dead on his tracks. She had said his name. His name, but then what she had said? She needed him or.. _"I am... not... happy, I... have... to pretend.."_

So, here you are. I see you found her. Wilson said all of a sudden as he approached him.

Why is she here? Why she can't hear me? Why she can't see me? House asked with a sad expression on his face. She's hurting.

I know, Wilson replied softly. But if you go back, you can help her. _-And hopefully she helps you too,_ he added mentally-.

Why are you here? House asked suddenly. Are you..

I think you should go back, he insisted. Go to her house, talk to her, get better. You may discover that you are not so alone as you believe. Don't you think it worths a try?

Okay, House answered and everything started to fading away.

"_Greg... Greg.."_

He shifted into a sitting position. His leg was killing him, his head as well. Actually, there wasn't one part of his body that wasn't hurting. Words still echoed on his mind. _"Greg.. Greg..., Go to her house, talk to her.."._ What should I do? he wondered. Later he realised that he was gripping tight the Vicodin bottle. In an instant, he took the decision, got up and headed straight to the parking lot.

On his way down to the main entrance nobody stopped him or talked to him, oddly enough he received some sympathetic looks, but in his daze he didn't seem to pay much attention to his surroundings. Moments later he was on his bike. He hesitated at first, regarded his condition, but one more touch of the plastic bottle inside his pocket made him determined again.

When he got to her house he was unsure of how to act. _Should he go inside? Should he just wait to make sure she is alone?_ He knew she wasn't at work and her car across the street indeed confirmed that she was in her house. Although he didn't know if he was there with her too.. He decided to wait.

Fifteen minutes passed when he finally decided to knock her door. But right when he got up from his motorbike Cuddy's door opened and revealed Cuddy, Rachel and Lucas. She was again striking beautiful, although tired. Lucas was holding Rachel in his arms and they were both smiling at her. Cuddy was playing with Rachel, a genuine smile of pure happiness on her face.

Hmm.. tell me again, what are you doing here? Amber appeared out of nowhere and laid her back beside him on the bike. House didn't even flinched on her presence, his eyes glued to the scene in front of him.

That's non of your business, he snaped at her.

I don't believe that you are going to talk to her. Will you show her the Vicodin too? Or will you tell her that you love her and everything's going to be just fine? She smiled ironically.

Shut up!

Oh, don't get angry with me, you know it's the truth. Can't you see how happy she is? House just stared as Cuddy and Lucas shared a passionate kiss. Admit that I am right.

No, what I saw..

was a dream. This, is reality. Look at her! Doesn't she deserve to be happy? She has moved on and if you'll love her you'll leave her alone. And look at yourself now. Tell me one reason why you should have her, why she would be happy with you.

Because I..

Based on facts, Amber cut him out. Her expression softened after a while. Your future lies in your hands, she said and delivered him the orange bottle. House just remained silent. If you still have doubts, just look what's in front of you.

He did as she said. _She was right, wasn't she? Who am I to do more harm than I have already done to her? Since I got back I tried hard to show her that I changed and reveal my true feelings. She turned me down. And surely, have I changed? Maybe I'm just trying to fool myself? Am I? Am I? _With these thoughts he got on his bike and fled like the wind, without anyone noticing his presence.

How greatly your mood can change within a few minutes time. He felt sick, but he was also determined to do something. He had to do something for himself now and only. Maybe he won't be too coward now. He stopped at a red light.

Where are we heading? Amber asked casually. House resisted the temptation to dry shallow two pills, he was hurting so badly, and simply answered "To the sea".

The light turned green and the bike started with a roar that matched the flare in his eyes. _Off we go._ He felt the adrenaline rising and after a few meters a brigth light circled his whole existence.


	6. Over the rainbow bridge

At first he couldn't distinguish his surroundings. After a while he saw a bus, the bus. Amber was already boarding. She looked back and flashed him a cryptic smile. He was hurting, he still had his cane. It was almost like the last time, minus the pain. He started walking towards the bus. His facial expression turned from pain to determination, he kept walking. He threw his cane away, with every step the pain was leaving him. Just a few more steps..

House? He stopped abrubtly. He recognised that voice. House. A hand touched his arm and he turned to face that person. What are you doing here? He asked.

What are You doing here? She emphasized. You can't leave.

I have to, I need to go away.

What about me?

You have your life, why do you possibly care? You moved on, you are happy. You made it perfectly clear that I don't have a place in your life, now I need to move on myself! House angrily replied.

You do have a great place in my life, and in my heart she added mentally.

Not the one I want though. They both remained silent.

I am not happy, she said after a while. I thought I was, I am not. But maybe you are right, you have to move on, she finally added.

What are you talking about?

Nothing, just go.

Okay then, he turned to leave, but then she grabbed him again and rested her lips on his. That was it.

It was a single kiss, but to them it meant so much. This simple act alone voiced all the things that they never found the courage to say aloud, all their inner feelings that had never been expressed. They were there, two people, eyeing each other as they really were. Naked from their prides, their restrictions, away from the world, alone. Lost in a dream that they wished it would never end. Two human beings that the only thing they wanted was to to love and be loved. By each other.

Eternity was in their hands a fragile word that their fears finally broke. Its fragments were just scattered moments in time. And this was the last one. They were looking each other straight in the eyes. Light blue sky and deep blue ocean finally united only to say goodbye to the most beautiful sunset the world has known. Two frightened children, a lost love. Moon and sun, spring and winter, life and death. They were Greg and Lisa for the first and last time.

So many years of hiding between truth and lies, right and wrong, finally led them to this moment. But the fear -their fear- of failure, the fear to love, ruined it all. It supposed to be a happy beginning, not a sad ending. Both lurked in the darkness of their faked lives waiting for a second chance, a vulnerable moment. But, when the time came they stepped back allowing the outside world take control.

They were blinded by the strong light that illuminated their souls. They were exposed and that scared them to death, as they weren't used to it. So, they went back to hide on their "safe" place. Back in the darkness, their souls, their feelings, their desires curled like a ball and waited in a corner alone.. and waited.. and waited.. forgotten.

Because that was their last chance and they let it pass without a second look and of course it never came back. They didn't know it back then, who can blame them? We always think we have plenty of time in our hands. And since then they have been waiting and they still could be if life or fate hadn't different plans.

His heart was beating faster and faster with every second passing by. He knew the end was coming. Their end. With his eyes tightly shut he pulled away and turned his back at her. He started walking towards the bus. He didn't want to open them, he couldn't see her crying -and knowing that he was the cause of it- not anymore. He wanted to remember her as the strong woman she was with the most beautiful smile on her face. He couldn't see through her watery eyes, it was just too much. His heart ached with every step becoming heavier and heavier. He loved her so much that he was willing to leave her..

Greg.. He stopped dead on his tracks. Cuddy hugged him from behind, she rested her head on his back and let more tears to flow. _No.. no.. don't do this to me, his mind cried. No, Lisa, please._

Greg.. Cuddy repeated with a trembling voice just above a whisper. _You have to do the right thing_, his heart told him. She wasn't ready for this final goodbye. He wanted to turn back and see her. But he couldn't. Because if he did then all of his courage would be gone and he would stay there forever. _You have to leave her.._ He could explain everything to her, tell her that he was sorry. Sorry for everything, sorry for not finding the courage earlier to express his feelings. Sorry for being afraid, sorry for leaving her.

I love you Lisa, he whispered. _Sorry for loving her so much.._

Cuddy fell on her knees and cried her heart out. House then kept moving, faster with each step, leaving the woman he loved behind him, leaving his heart behind. He let the tears fall. They were hot, they burnt his eyes then his cheecks and finally rolled down his face and tried to fill the hollow spot on his chest. He had no heart, not anymore. He reached the bus, hesitated for a moment, but didn't change his mind. He felt like Orpheus, only now if he looked behind he would never lose her, cause he would have stayed there forever.

Start the bus, he yelled, start the bus!

Cuddy heard the bus engine coming to life, so she lifted her head to watch it drifting away. She watched as the love of her life was slowly fading away. I love you too Greg, she finally whispered knowing that he felt the same.. _But he didn't heard her, did he?_

Inside the bus House collapsed on a seat next to Amber. He couldn't hide his feelings anymore and neither he wanted it. It took him all this to finally open up.

You did the right thing, Amber said with a low voice.

I know, it's just so hard. You helped me after all. I was lost, but I tried hard, didn't I?

You finally managed to broke free from everyone and anything. If you hadn't chickened out maybe things would be different, but then you did it. You broke free from your previous life and you were determined to improve. I only wish things were different, that you would have more time.

I wish you had more time too, I'm sorry. It was my fault.

No, you weren't responsible that I was taking these pills. She was perfectly calm. I also had the chance to say goodbye..

What happened to your vengeance? House asked trying to joke.

What can I say? Amber answered with a small smile. Everybody lies.

So now, where are we going?

Up, she said simply.

The bus slowly started and he couldn't stop himself, he had to see her, one more time. He turned to watch outside the window and there she was. She was running next to the bus, shouting his name.

House! House!

Lisa, he whispered to himself, his eyes absorbing her figure.

Greg! Cuddy said out of breath, not being able to keep the pace. I love you, he yelled and stopped abrubtly.

_I have always loved you,_ House thought. Her voice was still echoing in his ears as the bus was heading towards the rainbow bridge.

_Goodbye Greg.._

_We learn to say goodbye.. Lisa._

Sirens were heard from afar. People started to gather. Terroe was painted on their faces. Screams filled the air. Someone was calling 911. It started raining again. On the track laid a male body on his late forties. Next to him his cellphone was ringing.

_This is Dr. House. Don't leave a message after the sound unless you're dying and stop bothering me. Beep._

_House! This is Cuddy. Where the hell are you? I am looking everywhere for you. Wilson is awake and fine, the surgery went great. He wants to see you so get your ass back here. Oh, and you still owe me the four hours of clinic duty today. Bye._

_Click._


End file.
